


Lactation and lacerations

by StrangeCity



Category: Batwoman (TV 2019)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26466361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrangeCity/pseuds/StrangeCity
Summary: Bruce Wayne, known to Luke Fox as Batman, has been missing for 3 years. 3 years of directionless floundering. 3 years of worry. 3 years of pain. That is until Kate Kane suddenly appears on his doorstep. Maybe, just maybe, things will begin to change.
Kudos: 1





	Lactation and lacerations

Kate looked Luke in the eye and said, "I have a thing about rules." She unceremoniously pulled the leaver and descended into the Batcave.

Batman was going to kill him... or worse, fire him.

He would need energy for what came next. Energy he did not currently have. Power walking to the nearest vending machine, he thumbed in A-6, Monster Energy. He fed in his last crumpled dollar bill he was saving for his after work Yakult. As the machine obeyed his command he looked at his Casio calculator watch. He would have 2 minutes until Kate would discover the Batcave and 1 minute until Bruce would know and he would be fired. 

Luke clenched his ass as the machine rejected his money. Wasn't this America where money was worth something; was his money not good enough for a can of Monster Energy. Taking the money and smoothing it on his leg, he tried again.

Failure. Disaster. Ruin.

The money wasn't going to get him his prize. He would have to turn to other means. Like a rabid dog he shoved his arm into the vending machine and lurked forward, sweat dripping from his brow. Looking at his hand scrambling for a can he saw he only 1 minute left. His hand clamped down on a can. Success! Chittering and recoiling with renewed frenzy his motions shook the vending machine about showering him with numberless cans of Monster Energy.

Oh. He stilled. That's right. Bruce ordered the glass removed from all vending machines due to 'The Incident'.

Licking his dry lips he removed his arm from the machine and picked up a can. He looked at the Monster, his reflection staring back at him on the condensation. It was time to become a Monster himself.

Pulling the tab, he drank greedily.

\-----------------------

With animal like instinct he sprinted toward the Batcave in the seconds he had left. He lept over desks and clawed at code pads through password protected doors. His last obstacle finally stood before him. 

A wall of glass separated Accounting and the entrance that lead to the Batcave. 

He was an animal in more ways than one in that he didn't know what glass was. Luke smashed through, paying no attention to the lacerations he received from the glass digging into his skin. Hissing in annoyance he skulked down into the Batcave, leaving a trail of blood, glass and the sound of whimpering behind him.

\-----------------------

In the Batcave he saw Kate staring around in wonder. 

"Bruce Wayne is Batman?" she said.

Luke was fucked. So unbelievably fucked. Both figuratively and, later when Bruce found out, physically. 

Deny, deflect, deceive. This was the motto that made him the powerhouse that he was in Wayne Enterprises. 

"Whaaaaaat? Bruce Wayne is Batman? That's crazy. Who put all this stuff here?" said Luke as he grabbed a nearby jerry can and started shaking gasoline on every nearby surface. 

"Oooh, man. Bruce is gonna kill me. This stuff shouldn't be here. Don't worry Kate," he said as he pushed her away to spread gasoline on the Batmobile, "I'll deal with all this."

Kate turned on him, "Luke, put the gasoline down," she said slowly. 

"Okay. Okay. I'm putting it down," he said as he gave the can two large gashes with a Batarang and yeeted it toward a table. 

Luke watched her walk towards the Batsuit display. Now was his chance. He pulled out a lighter and went to strike it.

"I-it has udders?" she said.

Luke fumbled the lighter and dropped it over the railing down to the river below. His face fell. Shit. As his last hope vanished into the abyss so did his pretense. 

He walked up beside Kate and stared longingly at the display. It was a perfectly normal Batsuit if not for the two gigantic cow udders where the nipples were located. 

"That's the suit he wears for Milk March," he said longingly.

Kate turned to him. He didn't see her expression, still looking at the suit he wasn't brave enough to look at for the last 3 years.

Luke's voice was soft as he spoke, "Every day in march, Bruce would fill the udders with organic milk from a farm he owns in Delaware. He would make Alfred and I suckle on them. You have to understand, Bruce Wayne was an eccentric man. He called it a team building exercise."

"Enough of my family's time honored traditions," said Kate, turning away to face the original Batsuit.

"I need you fix his suit."

"The suit is literal perfection."

"It will be, when it fits a woman."

"Never, I will never defile his legacy."

\---------------

Kate punched Luke in the face and let go of his collar, leaving him a crumpled mess on the Batcave floor. He spat out a mouthful of blood and picked up the remnants of his teeth. It was hard, what with broken thumbs.

He crammed the loose teeth into his mouth, "Ok, you win, I'll make you the suit."

"I'm glad we finally see eye to eye."

"I didn't know you wanted to be milked so badly. The udders weren't designed for a woman."

"Not that suit, this one," she said, pointing to the original Batsuit.

"Oh, yeah I can do that," he said through a broken jaw, "why didn't you say that to begin with?"

Kate kicked him in the stomach as she answered her phone. "Stepsister Mary, what is it?"

After a moment she looked down at him, "We'll pick this up later," and left.

As Kate walked away, leaving his bruised an battered body on the floor, he was reminded of the crumpled, lone dollar bill lying on the floor upstairs. He wasn’t going to have that after work Yalult after all.


End file.
